Thumbs Down

I am not one to hold a grudge. I am much more of the, alright this happened lets figure out how to deal with it so we can be friends again and I don’t have to beat your ass type. Fight. Haggle. Figure it out. Move on. Let us avoid the gray area, shall we?

Anywho- despite this charming character trait, there are a few things that I will NEVER be able to get over. I am currently experiencing a whole lotta’ change in my life last day of work, school is ending, boyfriend moving in…CRISIS PANIC, so I have been thinking a lot about the constants in my life. Naturally, I came up with the things that will forever piss me off. Classy right? See if you agree.

Depends Commercials.

                Seriously Taylor, this is something that bothers you? Um, YES. I mean come on, getting old is scary enough. WHY oh WHY do we need a commercial reminding us, Hey you are going to get old and shrively and forget your family members and not know how to drive…AND you are also going to start pissing yourself!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Absolutely not. AND to add insult to injury, have you seen the Whoopi Goldberg depends commercials? Sister must SERIOUSLY need some cash. Hmm, running out of money.  I know what I’ll do! I will become the queen of the pants-pissers! DO. NOT. DIG. IIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFF this happens to me when I get older: A. I will NOT tell you about it B. I do NOT want to be told about it. Diaper isle be damned.

Animal Purses

                Seriously T, you are insane. (oh pipe down). Honestly though, Why in the wide wide world of sports do you need a purse shaped like a chicken, or a cat? If you are under the age of six, you are exempt. Sadly, the majority of offenders seem to be overage. There is this chick in my office, and I LOVE her. She is great. HOWEVER- she has a rubber chicken purse. Let me repeat- A RUBBER CHICKEN PURSE. I get that animals are cute (see Dot to your left) but c’mon, NOT in the handbag. Seriously what sort of goofy mother effer walks around with a fish dangling from their shoulder, or holding a rooster? Fashion FAIL.

Skorts

                Unless you are playing tennis, this fashion “item” is a no go. Shorts or skirt? PICK A SIDE. Look! From the front I am wearing a skirt, but when I turn around I really have on shorts!!  What kind of weird shit is that? Basically, you are telling the world that you are not mature enough to wear a skirt. I wanted the skirt, buy mummy wouldn’t let me. To the stores that actually sell this item- High five! Way to fuel the fire that is BAD FASHION. I don’t do gray areas, thus I don’t do skorts.

Family Bumper Stickers

                You know the ones- mom dad and ten kids in stick figures complete with fido and kitty? Listen up people, if you have the balls to drive a minivan (ick) we get that you have a gazillion kids. Why do you feel the need to advertise it? You were probably one of those tools that had the “baby on board” visor in your car, and “my child is an honor student at…” A prayer for you, “that you may learn to separate yourselves from your children and cease displaying offensive and unnecessary art on your car.” AMEN.

Socks With Sandals

                Everyone knows this is a fashion no-no Tay. Right, but let us ponder the reason behind the socks. Sandals are for WARM weather, for spring and summer, for letting your feet breathe! Here’s hopin’ you got a pedicure before hand…musty old winter feet- not sexy. Adding the sock…just doesn’t make sense. You are essentially taking the entire point of the sandal and giving it the middle finger. Just you try, you sly sandal, to show my naked foot. Not in my house! Here’s a thought: PUT. ON. A. SHOE. Unless, however, you would like to traipse around town advertising the fact that you are either a total a douche lord, or that your idea of a good time is hangin’ out at Carlos and Charlie’s with your Hawaiian shirt and fanny pack. Up to you.

I should mention that this list is non-exhaustive. I imagine I will post MANY more “things I dislike” entries. THIS is why Facebook needs a dislike button. Happy Tuesday, and GO LAKERS!

H8RS

If you live in LA, or have ever visited in LA, you have probably noticed the abundance of personalized license plates. When I first moved I thought this was the most insane thing ever. Hey, check out lord douche over there with his license plate-“WINNR!” I just didn’t understand it. I am all for making a statement about yourself have ya read my blog but I didn’t understand the need to do it on your car. Doesn’t your actual car say enough about your? I mean come on LA, how flashy and look at me! look at me! do we really need to be? We already have the reputation of being a big bunch of over-tanned self indulgent biAtches. Do we really need to validate this image with our cars?

I carried this attitude with me for two and a half years until I decided to do some research was really bored at work, didn’t want to study and it was too early for a glass of wine. Not all people with personalized plates are AssHats right? There have to be some cool license plates… UM YES, THERE ARE. I give you, complete with analysis, license plates that receive the Taylor you aren’t a total douche stamp of approval!

1.       LYTESPD

I LOVE STAR WARS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE STAR WARS. I mean COME ON people- how cool is that movie?!  May the force be with me….to put away all of my laundry with my mind; to tell my loud upstairs neighbor to stop vacuuming at 2am; to convince my professors I deserve all As. Yes, I realize that I am abusing the force- aka sister is on the dark side- and I’m ‘aaight with that. This license plate is the shit. I heart you Han Solo. My Star Wars plate? “LTESABR”

2.       HVABEER

Well, I don’t mind if I do!!! This person is cool. I mean ya, ok, any frat boy would want this license plate, but I bet this dude is awesome. How chill- just have a beer. Nothing about how he likes to N8LCHKS, or his LRGPNIS. Just beer. Granted, this guy could be a total redneck, but what’s wrong with that? Rednecks are F-U-N-N-Y! Hello, Jeff Foxworthy anyone?! To respond in kind, I would like “GLSOWNE” (get it, heh heh).

3.       RUB1OFF

Ok, this one is in no way appropriate, but it made me laugh…and then I thought- at least this guy is honest. He doesn’t play games. From the second you get into his car, you know what is on his mind. I mean, why hide the fact that you are a creeper? She is going to find out sooner or later, so why not just advertise it so you can find a lady who loves you for who you are. A creeper. That likes to rub1off. I salute this man for saving precious female time and energy.  My counter? “TOOTIRD”

4.       VIAGRA

Hugh Heffner you have met your match. Not only does this license plate send a clear message, just look at this dude’s car. RED corvette. This guy isn’t even hiding the fact that he has small man (or old man) syndrome. You gotta love a guy that can wear his stripes so proudly. My response? “HOTFLSH”

5.       I[heart]YRMOM

BAHAHAHAHAHA. I swear there is a 14 year old boy stuck inside me because I STILL  think mom jokes are hilarious. This character probably has a sense of humor, but he might also enjoy wearing too tight muscle shirts and drive around with a case of Natty light in the trunk. Back in ’79 I was the star of the team. I shoulda gone pro. Enter Napoleon Dynamite.  A for the laugh factor, F for the fact this dude is probably livin in the past.  “SXYCUGR” you know I will be [did you see the plate frame? BWAHHAHAHA!]

6.       OMGMOVE

I MUST MEET THIS PERSON IMMEDIATELY. I am not kidding. Hello kindred spirits!!! I have probably shaved, oh, about five YEARS off of my life stressing/yelling/howling at people, objects, animals in traffic. You seriously need to be on top of your shiz if you are driving in LA traffic. We have places to go and we have no time for nonsense. GET MOVING PEOPLE. See blog related to traffic.  This plate sums up my general feeling every time I hit the 405, the 101, or Ohio by my apartment. “FKNDRVE”

7.       1  - LEG 

This plate is a shout out to my one eyed counterpart. HOW GREAT IS THIS?!?!? With the handicapped plate too?!?!?!? I mean come on, I am impressed by this persons sense of humor… if they really have one leg. Or, actually, even if they don’t because that shiz is funny dude. Here here to being handicapped but still having a sense of humor. This person should meet Dot, I am sure they would be fast friends. “DOTRCKS”

Have a fabulous weekend. If I don’t have time to post until next week, HAPPY EASTER from Dot and I. 

25 and I

I understand that most people who read this blog (wishful thinking?) currently check the age box 25-39, 40-59, etc. Do not scoff at the following post. Hey the riper the berry the sweeter the juice right? Te he he he! I digress…

It has recently come to my attention that I will be turning the big 2-5 in less than a month. Yeah and what’s your point? I mean based on your lack of sleep and alcohol consumption you should be glad you made it this long sister. Pipe down. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but I really can’t get past the fact that what I imagined my life would be at 25 is NOTHING like what it actually is.

Job- FOR SURE I would have a job at the age of 25. Prior to deciding to go to law school I knew for sure I would have a job. No, not serving the filet of fish…jackass. Even when I went to law school I thought I would have something lined up post-grad. A cute southern girl that didn’t get kicked out of law school, who has never been to jail [knock on wood], who doesn’t require any routine medication and who can do a meeeeeaaaannn keg stand. What’s not to like? Apparently those qualities, coupled with my undergraduate and legal schooling don't mean shiz. I should have gone to clown school. Job-1, Taylor-0.

MONEY!!!!! I got hundred dollar bills y’all! Ya- this is a nightmare topic. I figured ok, at 25 you are basically 30 right? I would have a job, and thus money. Money not in the sense of thank sweet jesus the bills are paid halleluiah the lights won’t get turned off this month, but money like let’s take a VACATION. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is seriously not the case. I am so broke I feel like every single dollar bill I have mocks me. IN FACT- I went to the beach on Friday and paid with a 10 dollar bill for the 6 dollar parking. The machine gave me back 1 dollar coins. Seriously? Eff you Sacajawea. Needless to say sister won’t be making it rain any time soon.

Savings-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

A Gentleman Lovah- Ok well this one I pretty much have nailed down, but let me tell you the road to this point was a weeeeeeeeeee bit rocky- totally my fault. Law school is haaaaarrrrddd and it makes me cranky. Thankfully the bitch will not be back, sorry Elton, so I think babe and I are good. However, I thought I would be settled with my lovah by now. QUITE the opposite in fact. Brother is moving in and I am sure there is going to be a whole ‘lotta adjusting going on. This isn’t bad it’s just…not where I thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, in no way did I think I would be married  or be all fancy prancy around my big house with a white picket fence. I just thought I would be more settled? Thank God people in California can dig on Cowboy boots. Yeehaw!

So there you have it, my life in a nutshell. I have no job, I have barely enough money to survive monthly and savings is a foreign word. Tay don’t worry you have your entire life ahead of you! Yeah to pay off my debt and live like a frat boy. Ok seriously this pessimistic thing is getting old- there are starving children in Africa. Yeah, and I thought at this age I could actually help them. Sadly, I gots’ no monies. Now I’m seriously considering giving everything up and joining the ranks of shopping-cart all star. You seriously have a stick up your ass. What’s wrong with you? Alright, Alright at the end of the day I have a great apartment, a great education, and my gas, water and electricity are currently on. MOST importantly, I still have enough disposable income to invite my friend two buck chuck over. He understands my pain. Its official- you are a lost cause. Agreed.

25-1, Taylor-0.

Driving to Work, Taylor Style

I think I need to become city manager. Either that or I need to find the person who decides when and where city maintenance takes place. Allow me to explain…

I, as well as thousands of other Santa Monica/Los Angeles residents, use Wilshire to get onto the 405. The on ramp is right by my apartment, so usually this takes me about five minutes. I pulled out of my driveway this morning and noticed traffic. What the EFF is this shiz?!?!?! I was on the phone with the bf, and I could hear him cringe the second I said the dreaded T word. Note about Tay: sister does NOT do well with traffic. Imagine a two year old running on two days with no sleep. crankAY. “BAAAAAAAAAABE!  What in the world is going on heeerrrrruuuuuuhhhhh?!?!?!?”

 My first thoughts: maybe it was a wreck? Maybe one of the busses is taking up two lanes? You know, the big ones that area really two busses connected by a giant-sized accordion. Perhaps there is an unusually large bird on the side of the road and everyone haaaaad to stop and look at it? Wrong, wrong and WRONG. Fifteen minutes later blood boiling when I finally got to the onramp I found my answer….TREE TRIMMERS.

I know- you are thinking Tay, pipe down, it’s not a big deal. UM it is when they are dangling from the tree like effing monkeys rather than actually trimming the tree. Seriously! The three jokers were suspended in the air, swinging with the greatest of ease. If you want to dangle from a tall object, join the effing circus. I couldn’t decide what I was more upset about- the fact that these jokers were performing a circus act rather than doing their job, or that someone had actually authorized two entire lanes of traffic to be closed during rush hour. NONE of the equipment was on the actual road- everything was nicely contained on the median. Why were the lanes closed? There is no way in hell a branch was going to fall because the ding-bats in the air weren’t actually cutting anything! Perhaps a leaf might fall?

CRISIS!!!!!!!! HEAVEN FORBID A LEAF MIGHT FIND ITS WAY OFF OF THE TREE ONTO MY CAR. You have GOT to be kidding.

Resisting every single urge in my body to honk and/or roll down the window and scream obscenities, I refrained. I’m a lady y’all.  Going back to what I said earlier, I honestly think that 80% of the traffic in LA is due to rubber necking. I mean ok, I get it. Some douche crashed his Bentley and we all want to see it. Right. However, the following scenarios do NOT warrant deceleration.  (I have witnessed ALL of these)

1.       Animals mating/dancing/being generally unusual on the railing on the freeway. (go sit at the beach for ten minutes, you will get your show. Or, watch the discovery channel, they show weird stuff like this 24/7.)

2.       A cop giving a traffic citation. (yes, I understand you are happy that it isn’t you. However let’s not make ourselves late staring at the poor ‘ole chap.)

3.       Inmates picking up trash on the side of the road. (you want that fool to hop in your car? Me thinks not. Get on with it.)

4.       A homeless person walking on the side of the freeway. (yes it sucks, but there are homeless people all over the place for your gazing pleasure. Feel bad? Throw some change their way at your next STOP LIGHT.)

5.        Construction. (ok seriously- this really gets me riled up. why in GODS NAME would you want to stare at the construction, thus making the already unbearable traffic WORSE. You do realize that LA= traffic. Construction= more traffic. Staring at the construction in the LA traffic= IMMA KICK ‘YO ASS.)

Phew! That felt good to get off of my chest. I arrive at work generally unscathed, and only 10 min late. I guess I will trade the 10 min for a good blog idea. HOWEVER, no more of this city maintenance during rush hour nonsense. Unless… it is absolutely necessary, a.k.a. someone is actually doing their job. Seeing as I am going to be unemployed soon, perhaps I should apply? Taylor the tree trimmer. Sounds fitting. Until next time. ..