As I have been stuck on the I cant get a damn job bandwagon, I had a thought… if I didn’t go to law school, what else would I be doing? What alternate career would suit this sassy southerner? Well, part southerner. I’m kind of like a buttery biscuit topped with egg whites and avocado. Ya dig? Moving on. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. Traffic Enforcement Officer (a.k.a bitch if you park there imonna give you a ticket!)
I know, you are thinking “Taylor what the EFF?! You can’t give people parking tickets, you are the QUEEN of parking tickets.” This is true. I believe that any signs of improvement in the California economy are a direct result of my relationship with the LA traffic enforcement. My bank account agrees. I swear, those sassy little traffic vixens wait in their three wheeled go-carts just WAITING for my meter to expire. But officer, I was 30 seconds late. Sucks to be you! Why yes, yes it does. In fact, I got a $68 dollar ticket last week DIRECTLY IN FRONT of my apartment. Now that is truly impressive. So, like the old saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em join em right? I can just picture it now, dressed in my fancy pleated khakis and crisp white shirt zooming down Santa Monica boulevard to give Mr. Maserati a ticket…or to ask him if he is hiring, either one. It could work right?
2. Nurse (a.k.a bitch imonna stick you with this needle!)
This is really just a horrible idea for so many reasons. 1) I cannot stand needles. Yes, I am a 25 year old grown woman. However, I still squeal for sweet gentle Jesus whenever nurse Sally walks toward me with that death instrument. 2) I would dick around. I can see it now, Taylor walking around the hospital with an O.R. mask.. Dr. Phillips, I am your faaaaathhaaaaah. 3) I lack compassion. Shocking right? Actually, that isn’t 100% true. I am very compassionate…toward my friends. Some lady bitching at me because little Johnny got an eraser stuck up his nose? Maybe sooommmeeonne should keep a better eye on Johnny. Yeah, not so much. Finally, 4) I SUUUUUUCK at math. My father neglected to pass down the “I can do math” gene. I still have nightmares about my dad hovering over me while I sat at the kitchen table at 1am in the morning trying to figure out my calculus homework. Oh, and to you Ms. Horne, I have NEEEEVVVVEEEERRR used anything above jr. high level math. Maybe that’s why I can’t find a full time job? Food for thought.
3. Restaurateur (a.k.a Charles Shaw isn’t fine wine?)
I would LOOOOOOVE to own a restaurant. I love to cook, watch food network and I have an eye raising amount of experience, how do you say, sampling adult beverages. The only problem- I know nothing about operating a restaurant. I know nothing about owning a restaurant. Shit, I know nothing about owning anything. I’m pretty sure my dad is the rightful owner of my dog, I rent my apartment, and just about the only things I can call mine are either previously owned or from the mecca that is IKEA. I digress. This really is an actual dream of mine a loooooooooooooooong time down the road. I just need to make sure I keep my eye on the prize. An endless supply of good wine at my fingertips? Must. Not. Get. Sloshed. At. Work. I should probably keep that in mind at all times… So this idea could actually work. In thirty years. Sigh.
Well, until then I will cling to my newly acquired part time jobs, (yes I have two now !!!) and the handle of “Vodka of the Gods” in my freezer.
Until next time.
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